Post your Best Joke in here

[SmallAxe]

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused.

God said, pointing to different countries, "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

God continued, "Some places, like southern Europe, will be rampant with poverty; while other places, like northern Europe, are going to be full of great opportunities."

God said, pointing at the Middle East, "Some places will be strained in a state of intense angst, while others will know calming peace and tranquility."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Ohio, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and rolling hills. The people from Ohio are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous. They are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working, and high achieving. They will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God?" "You said there would be balance!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting around them in Michigan, Indiana, Kentucky, West Virginia, and Pennsylvania.”

[SmallAxe]

heheheee...
ohio'wn3d.

[Turk88]

LMAO...this is great!!!

[ThePekoSquad]

This was the lowest joke I have ever said, and yes I do feel like well an A-Hole for saying this joke but man, please do NOT take offense to this joke... man this is a lowblow.

"One day I walked into the hospitial and I saw a quadapalegic boy he looked very sad, and I said, hey why are you so sad? he replied "I wont ever be able to do anything with my life now. I said Sure you will, call V8 they might sponser you, I mean they sponser vegatables, so why not you."

No I did not say that to a quad boy nor would I ever because it is a low joke, and sadly.. it gets laughs.
=(

[Danno]

Three guys walk into a bar...


Ouch!!

[:D]

[Turk88]

This was the lowest joke I have ever said, and yes I do feel like well an A-Hole for saying this joke but man, please do NOT take offense to this joke... man this is a lowblow.

"One day I walked into the hospitial and I saw a quadapalegic boy he looked very sad, and I said, hey why are you so sad? he replied "I wont ever be able to do anything with my life now. I said Sure you will, call V8 they might sponser you, I mean they sponser vegatables, so why not you."

No I did not say that to a quad boy nor would I ever because it is a low joke, and sadly.. it gets laughs.
=(



ok...along the same lines...


So I a walking down the beach one day when I notice a girl with no arms and no legs crying..
so being the nice guy that I am I ask what is wrong
She says that she is sad because she has no arms and no legs and has never been kissed...

So I lean down and kiss her
SHe smiles...but then she starts to cry again...
I say "what is wrong now"
She says that she is sad because she has no arms and no legs and has never been screwed...

So I pick her up lovingly...
throw her in the ocean and yell "Your screwed now!!!!!"

[ThePekoSquad]

This was the lowest joke I have ever said, and yes I do feel like well an A-Hole for saying this joke but man, please do NOT take offense to this joke... man this is a lowblow.

"One day I walked into the hospitial and I saw a quadapalegic boy he looked very sad, and I said, hey why are you so sad? he replied "I wont ever be able to do anything with my life now. I said Sure you will, call V8 they might sponser you, I mean they sponser vegatables, so why not you."

No I did not say that to a quad boy nor would I ever because it is a low joke, and sadly.. it gets laughs.
=(



ok...along the same lines...


So I a walking down the beach one day when I notice a girl with no arms and no legs crying..
so being the nice guy that I am I ask what is wrong
She says that she is sad because she has no arms and no legs and has never been kissed...

So I lean down and kiss her
SHe smiles...but then she starts to cry again...
I say "what is wrong now"
She says that she is sad because she has no arms and no legs and has never been screwed...

So I pick her up lovingly...
throw her in the ocean and yell "Your screwed now!!!!!"

AHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
wow..
that was AMAZING!
Bravo Turk!
Bravo!

I got a couple of worse "jokes" but I know for a fact that I will offend them, considering I even offend myself when I say them.

[Turk88]

Thank you..I will be here all weekend!!! Goodnight!! [:D]

[Bengal07]

Hamburger walks into a bar and say's to the bartender
''Can I get a beer?'' the bartender say's ''Sorry we don't serve food here''

[Jasonew6]

A guy is walking on the beach when he finds an old fashioned oil lamp covered in sand. He picks it up, rubs off the sand and a genie appears.
"I am the genie of the lamp. For freeing me I shall grant you one wish."
The guy thinks for a minutes and says, "well, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I am afraid to fly, and I get terribly seasick. Could you build a bridge to Hawaii?"
The genie looks at him and says "Oy! The steel, the concrete, that is a HUGE project. Is there anything else you would want?"
"It would be nice to understand women."
"Will that be 2 lanes or 4?"

[SmallAxe]

For the record, I'm not all about the God/religion jokes, but I've got a gang of them...
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jesusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150."
The man thought about it and told the undertaker to just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would only have to spend $150?"
The man replied, "A long time ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance…"

[Beaker]

Bengals fan walks into a bar. Asks the bartender if he wants to hear a funny joke about the steelers.
The bartender say "Wait a minute...I'm a steeler fan. And see the huge guy sitting next to you, he's a steeler fan too. And that big, mean looking guy who just came out of the bathroom, he's a steeler fan too. You sure you want to tell that joke?"
The Bengals fans says "Heck no, I dont want to have to explain it three times."

[Turk88]

Bengals fan walks into a bar. Asks the bartender if he wants to hear a funny joke about the steelers.
The bartender say "Wait a minute...I'm a steeler fan. And see the huge guy sitting next to you, he's a steeler fan too. And that big, mean looking guy who just came out of the bathroom, he's a steeler fan too. You sure you want to tell that joke?"
The Bengals fans says "Heck no, I dont want to have to explain it three times."


LMAO...I just told that joke two days ago!!

[SmallAxe]

There was a middle-aged guy who bought a brand new Mercedes Convertible SLK. He took off down the road, flooring it up to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great," he thought and floored it some more. He looked in his rearview mirror and there was a Florida Highway Patrol Trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blasting.

"I can get away from him with no problem," thought the man and he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph.

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road and waited or the State Trooper to catch up with him.

The Trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.

"Sir," he said, looking at his watch,” My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the Trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."

The State Trooper said, "Have a nice day."

[ThePekoSquad]

Bengals fan walks into a bar. Asks the bartender if he wants to hear a funny joke about the steelers.
The bartender say "Wait a minute...I'm a steeler fan. And see the huge guy sitting next to you, he's a steeler fan too. And that big, mean looking guy who just came out of the bathroom, he's a steeler fan too. You sure you want to tell that joke?"
The Bengals fans says "Heck no, I dont want to have to explain it three times."


LMAO...I just told that joke two days ago!!


I thought you were going to say "Oh, thats why you all are on steroids!"

[SmallAxe]

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted," Excuse me, can you help? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of it, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far."

The woman below responded, "You must be in management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault!"

[philhos]

Let me know if this is over the line:
Three hookers sitting in a bar. The first one turns to the other two and says, "Man, I'm so loose, you could stick your whole hand in me."
The second one says, "Oh yeah? Well, I'm so loose, you could stick your whole arm in me."
The third one just laughs and slides down the barstool.

[bgbengalsfan]

Yes it was over the line...and frankly I loved it. I just told my g/f and she did not appreciate it...oh well she can't take a joke. If anyone is looking for funny stories, may I recommend Tucker Max. Hilarious stories but be careful you will laugh out loud.

[Bengal07]

Let me know if this is over the line:
Three hookers sitting in a bar. The first one turns to the other two and says, "Man, I'm so loose, you could stick your whole hand in me."
The second one says, "Oh yeah? Well, I'm so loose, you could stick your whole arm in me."
The third one just laughs and slides down the barstool.
LMAO!

[ThePekoSquad]

Let me know if this is over the line:
Three hookers sitting in a bar. The first one turns to the other two and says, "Man, I'm so loose, you could stick your whole hand in me."
The second one says, "Oh yeah? Well, I'm so loose, you could stick your whole arm in me."
The third one just laughs and slides down the barstool.
LMAO!

bravo

[oasiswr]

Bill Clinton steps off Air force one with a small dog. One of his secret service agents says, "nice dog sir". Bill says "thanks, I got it for Hillary". The Secret service agent says "Great trade, Sir!!!".


Clinton denies the allegations: "I didn't tell her to lie in deposition. I told her to lie in dat position."

What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician? Chelsea Clinton.



----------------------------------------------------------

Cheney gets a call from his "boss", W.
"I've got a problem," says W.
"What's the matter?" asks Cheney.
"Well,you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so, I got a jigsaw puzzle,but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find anyedges."
"What's it a picture of?" asks Cheney.
"A big rooster," replies W.
"All right," sighs Cheney, "I'll come over and have a look."
So he leaves his office and heads over to the Oval Office. W points at the jigsaw on his desk.
Cheney looks at the desk and then turns to W and says, "For crying out loud, Georgie - put the corn flakes back in the box."
-----------------------------------------
On one of his firstnights in the White House, Dubya is awakened by the ghost of GeorgeWashington. Bush is frightened, but asks: "George, what is the bestthing I could do to help the country?" Washington advises him: "Behonest above all else and set an honorable example, just as I did."This makes Bush uncomfortable, but he manages to get back to sleep. The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the darkbedroom. "Tom," Dubya asks, "what is the best thing I could do to helpthe country?" Jefferson replies, "Throw away your prepared remarks andspeak eloquently and extemporaneously from your heart," Jeffersonadvises. Bush isn't sleeping well at all the next night, and seesanother figure moving in the shadows. It's Abraham Lincoln's ghostand Dubya thinks finally, a Republican, I'll get some advice that I canuse. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"Bush asks hopefully. Abe answers: "Go see a play."

[bengals_in_miami]

Bill Clinton steps off Air force one with a small dog. One of his secret service agents says, "nice dog sir". Bill says "thanks, I got it for Hillary". The Secret service agent says "Great trade, Sir!!!".


Clinton denies the allegations:* "I didn't tell her to lie in deposition.* I told her to lie in dat position."

What do you get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician? Chelsea Clinton.



----------------------------------------------------------

Cheney gets a call from his "boss", W.
"I've got a problem," says W.
"What's the matter?" asks Cheney.
"Well,you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so, I got a jigsaw puzzle,but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find anyedges."
"What's it a picture of?" asks Cheney.
"A big rooster," replies W.
"All right," sighs Cheney, "I'll come over and have a look."
So he leaves his office and heads over to the Oval Office. W points at the jigsaw on his desk.
Cheney looks at the desk and then turns to W and says, "For crying out loud, Georgie - put the corn flakes back in the box."
-----------------------------------------
On one of his firstnights in the White House, Dubya is awakened by the ghost of GeorgeWashington.* Bush is frightened, but asks: "George, what is the bestthing I could do to help the country?"* Washington advises him: "Behonest above all else and set an honorable example, just as I did."This makes Bush uncomfortable, but he manages to get back to sleep.*The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moves through the darkbedroom. "Tom," Dubya asks, "what is the best thing I could do to helpthe country?"* Jefferson replies, "Throw away your prepared remarks andspeak eloquently and extemporaneously from your heart," Jeffersonadvises.* Bush isn't sleeping well at all the next night, and seesanother figure moving in the shadows.* It's* Abraham Lincoln's ghostand Dubya thinks finally, a Republican, I'll get some advice that I canuse.* "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?"Bush asks hopefully.* Abe answers: "Go see a play."




That last one was the best since i went to Ford's Theatre about a month ago (and fell asleep while a guy talked for a good 45 minutes)A very old man and his wife are in bed one night and the old man farts and says aloud, "7-0."He farts and says "14-0."Not to be outdone the wife farts and replies,"14-7."Then she farts again to tie it at 14.There is silence for a few minutes but the wife lets out a squeaker and seconds later comes a triumphant "17-14."Not to be beaten in his own game, the old man pushes and pushes until he lets out a sound, not of a fart but in fact he had crapped himself.The wife, wondering what the sound was, asked what it was.The old man says, "Half time. Switch sides."

[Whatever]

This is the worst joke I know,hands down. If you're easy to offend,or probably even moderately easy to offend,you probably want to skip this one.




Q:What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?




A:It only takes one nail to hang up a picture of Jesus.

[oasiswr]

This is the worst joke I know,hands down. If you're easy to offend,or probably even moderately easy to offend,you probably want to skip this one.




Q:What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?




A:It only takes one nail to hang up a picture of Jesus.

Mel liked it
http://rosie-demario.com/wp-content/uploads/2006/11/mg4.jpg

[Beaker]

A woman wanted to get her husband that special pet he'd been wanting for awhile for his birthday. Trouble was, she didnt know what to get him. She went to the local pet store to see what she could find.

She told the pet store owner she wanted something unusual, not a regular cat, dog or bird. The pet store owner told her he had just the thing. He pointed to a shallow dish on the counter. There was a sign that said "Magic Frog $100". In the center of the dish, in a puddle of dirty water, sat a regular looking bullfrog. She said "Isnt that expensive for a frog?" The pet store owner insisted it was a magic frog. She said "what does it do?" He told her it performed oral.

The lady laugehed uncomfortably and thought to herself, that's impossible, but it would make a funny gag gift anyway...and hey, if it really did give oral, she wouldnt have to do that anymore. Win-win she thought. She told the pet store owner she'd take the magic frog.

That night the husband opened his gift. He said "what's this? You got me a frog for my birthday? What the hell!" She told him it was a magic frog, and that the pet store owner said it was magic because it performed oral. He looked at her like she was crazy and said "he just said that to get you to pay $100 for a frog". So they put the frog in a small terrarium and had dinner.

Later that night, the husband was watching the game and the wife decided to go to bed. About 2am, she was fast asleep when she awoke to the sound of pots and pans crashing and cupboards slamming shut in the kitchen. She rushed downstairs and found the man with several pots on the stove, cookbooks all around, and the frog sitting in the middle of the counter. She asked what was going on.

The man looked at her and announced "If I can teach this frog to cook, your ***** is outta here!"

[Ali]

I know a really offensive joke, and I have this laffy taffy one I read yesterday.

I'll tell you the laffy taffy one... PM me for the other one

What did Delaware?






































A brand New Jersey :-P

[Joe from Florence]

2 eggs were sitting in a frying pan
one egg turned to the other and said "it's getting hot in here"
the other turned and screamed "Oh My God...a Talking EGG!!!!"

[Turk88]

2 eggs were sitting in a frying pan
one egg turned to the other and said "it's getting hot in here"
the other turned and screamed "Oh My God...a Talking EGG!!!!"


wow..I haven't heard that joke in a long time....still makes me laugh!!! [:D]

[kywcat]

A chicken and an egg were lying in bed when suddenly the chicken laid back and lit a cigarette. The egg angrily rolled over and said, "I guess we answered that question!"

[SmallAxe]

A chicken and an egg were lying in bed when suddenly the chicken laid back and lit a cigarette. The egg angrily rolled over and said, "I guess we answered that question!"
Good one.

A loud pounding on the door awakens a man and his wife at 3 o’clock in the morning. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and should be ashamed of your self!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.



"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk

[philhos]

A Scotsman wearing a kilt gets drunk and passes out by a tree. Two young girls walk past and see the man wearing a kilt. "I wonder if it's true that they don't wear any underwear," asks the one girl. So, they check. Sure enough, the Scotsman wasn't wearing any underwear. Deciding to play a prank on the guy, they decide to tie a blue ribbon around the "old oak tree" (if you know what I mean) and go along there way.
After some time passes, the drunk Scotsman awakes and has to pee really bad. Seeing he's next to a tree, he lifts up his kilt and is taken aback by what he sees. "Hmm, I don't know where ye been, laddy" the Scotsman says to his wee willy wanky, "but I see ye won first prize."

[Beaker]

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala
event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no
shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of
whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said,"You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally
the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way,
but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand
and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him
several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his serious voice,
"I hope not, it's only 2130 now."

[kywcat]

This is kinda lame but .....
A wealthy man was driving in a rural part of KY when he noticed a pig on a farm that had a wooden leg. He began to wonder why someone would take such an action for a farm animal and curiosity got the better of him so he went to ask the farmer.
The farmer dressed in overalls answered the door and asked, "Can I hep ya?"
The man said," I was just driving by and noticed your pig and...", "Oh that there is one special pig!" the farmer interupted. "I thought so, with the leg and all." said the man.
"Well let me tell you about that pig!" The farmer began. "One day while I was working on my truck the jack slipped and the truck pinned me under it. I couldn't breathe and was a gonner for sure because no one knew where I was. But that pig knew. He bust out his pen grabbed the jack, slid it under the truck, jacked it up, pulled me out, and saved my life."
"Wow! did he hurt his leg doing that?" the man asked.
"Well no," the farmer replied. "But one day the house here cought fire and my youngest was trapped in his room. I tried to get up there but the flames were too high and I knew no one was going to be able to save my boy. But that pig did! He bust out of his pen, knocked the front door down, jumped the flames, wet a blanket, put my son in it, and using his teeth he slid down the electric wire to save his life!"
"Really! Did he hurt his leg in the fire?" the man asked.
"Well no," the farmer replied. "But last summer my oldest girl was swimming in the pond and started to drown. No one knew she was there. But that pig did! He bust out of his pen, ran to the pond, did a swan dive, grabbed my girl, brought to the shore, performed CPR, and saved her life."
"All these stories are very interesting," the man said, "but I really only wanted to know why the pig had a wooden leg."
The farmer looked at him puzzled and said, "Well son, you don't eat a pig that special all at one time!"

[SmallAxe]

This pirate walks into a bar with a big ship's wheel down his pants. The bartender says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know you have a ship's wheel down the front of your pants?"

And the pirate says... "Aaargh, it's driving me nuts!!"

[johnson85chad=bengals]

my joke:

Joe- knock knock
irish man- come in!

[bengals_in_miami]

my joke:

Joe- knock knock
irish man- come in!Three sisters ages 72, 74, and 76 lived in a house together. One night the 76-year-old drew a bath. She put her foot in and paused. She yelled down the stairs "was I getting into or out of the bath?"The 74-year-old yelled back "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She started up the stairs and paused. Then she yelled, "was I going up the stairs or down?"The 72-year-old sat at the kitchen table having tea, listening to her sisters. She shook her head sadly and said, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." She knocked on wood for good measure. She then yelled, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

[oasiswr]

Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them. The king was a very jealous man.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the king's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his
desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a litt le bit into the queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the royal chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the king and queen that only special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the cure for the itch.
The king quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1, 000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the king, with a laugh just told him to get lost.
The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the king's underwear . The king immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

Moral of the story: Pay your bills!

[SmallAxe]

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; he decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.
"I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.
This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his *** off. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says... "Make them all ugly again".

[SmallAxe]

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...
Satan: "Why so glum?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"
Satan: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it"
Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie, you're already dead, remember?"
Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"
Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever… If you go bankrupt, it doesn't matter, you're dead anyhow."
Guy: "Cool!"
Satan: "What about drugs?"
Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
Satan: "You gay?"
Guy: "No..."
Satan: "Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough..."

[SmallAxe]

bump for more jokes!!!!

[Buckeyehitman]

Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to

Boston.



After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're

too tired to

continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.



They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they

only plan to sleep

for four hours and then get back on the road.



When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk

hands them a bill

for $350.00.



The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is

so high.



He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the

rooms certainly

aren't worth $350.00!



When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate,

the man insists

on speaking to the Manager.



The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then

explains that the

hotel has an Olympic sized pool and a huge conference

center that were

available for the husband and wife to use.



"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains

the Manager. He goes

on to explain they could have taken in one of the

shows for which the

hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York,

Hollywood and Las

Vegas perform here," the Manager says.



"But we didn't go to any of those shows, "complains

the man again.



"Well, we have them, and you could have," the

Manager replies.



No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man

replies, "But we

didn't use it!"



The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives

up and agrees to

pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.



The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

"But sir," he says,

this check is only made out for $50.00."



"That's correct," says the man. "I charged you

$300.00 for sleeping with my wife."



"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.



"Well, too bad," the man replies. "She was here and

you could have."

[kywcat]

A man goes on vacation and asks his brother to house sit and take care of his dog. After a couple of days he calls to see how things are going.
"So how is rex?"
"I hate to tell you but he got out and got hit by a car yesterday and died" his brother replied.
The man yells, "Don't just tell me like that! What's wrong with you? Now my whole vacation is ruined!"
"What did you want me to do?" asked the brother.
"Well on my first call, you caould say he was outside playing with a ball. On the next he had gotten out but he couldn't have gotten far and right before I got home tell me about his death. You just don't blurt out bad news like that while I am on vacation!" the man said.
"Sorry," the brother replied.
The man says, "That's all right I guess. Well, how's mom?"
"She outside in the yard playing with a ball." says the brother.

[Turk88]

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?" The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch." The first man asked, "How's that?" "Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast.....she farted and flew out the window!"