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Old 11-29-2012, 02:10 PM
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Default Some advice?

Ok, I am going to make this as short as possible.

I was married before and had 4 boys with her.

We got divorced and she got custody of the kids.

After about 1 year I gained custody of them.

About 1 year after me having full custody she signed over all rights and has not spoken to them or myself since 2007.

Now to the present day.

My current wife would like to legally adopt the boys (we have a 2 yr old daughter together) but in order to do so we have to make an "effort" to contact my ex-wife and get her to sign off on it. The effort consists of sending certified letter to her last known address, running an ad in local papers etc. Since 2008 I have not known her whereabouts at all so have never really thought about taking steps to do this.

Recently I have found out where she lives and it now gives me even more pause to move forward with allowing my current wife to adopt. I am scared that my ex would have a change of heart and want to see the boys again, there is no way in a million years I would allow that to happen.

So the question is, should I take the chance on taking the steps of letting my current wife adopt them at the risk of being back in contact with my ex?
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Old 11-29-2012, 02:17 PM
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Default Re: Some advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by duke0476 View Post
Ok, I am going to make this as short as possible.

I was married before and had 4 boys with her.

We got divorced and she got custody of the kids.

After about 1 year I gained custody of them.

About 1 year after me having full custody she signed over all rights and has not spoken to them or myself since 2007.

Now to the present day.

My current wife would like to legally adopt the boys (we have a 2 yr old daughter together) but in order to do so we have to make an "effort" to contact my ex-wife and get her to sign off on it. The effort consists of sending certified letter to her last known address, running an ad in local papers etc. Since 2008 I have not known her whereabouts at all so have never really thought about taking steps to do this.

Recently I have found out where she lives and it now gives me even more pause to move forward with allowing my current wife to adopt. I am scared that my ex would have a change of heart and want to see the boys again, there is no way in a million years I would allow that to happen.

So the question is, should I take the chance on taking the steps of letting my current wife adopt them at the risk of being back in contact with my ex?
How old are your boys?
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Old 11-29-2012, 02:53 PM
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Default Re: Some advice?

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How old are your boys?
11, 13, 14 and 17
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Old 11-29-2012, 02:56 PM
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Default Re: Some advice?

Since you have full custody and she has made no effort to contact them in 3 + years... I would say go for it.. If she becomes a problem im pretty sure the courts will award you with a restraining order agaisnt her.
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Old 11-29-2012, 02:59 PM
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Default Re: Some advice?

I feel your pain.
Sound like a great Dad. And you are lucky to have a woman in your life that loves your boys like they are her own. Try to do things legally and the right way. But even if your ex won't give up her rights, remember your family doesn't need a piece of paper to know who has been a mother in their life.
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Old 11-29-2012, 03:05 PM
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Default Re: Some advice?

Rock and a hard place, for sure.

I agree with the other guys who said that you should go ahead with the adoption efforts and contact her. It could get ugly, though.
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Old 11-29-2012, 03:05 PM
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Default Re: Some advice?

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I feel your pain.
Sound like a great Dad. And you are lucky to have a woman in your life that loves your boys like they are her own. Try to do things legally and the right way. But even if your ex won't give up her rights, remember your family doesn't need a piece of paper to know who has been a mother in their life.
Yeah, i'm glad to have her but I am just not sure that the actual benefits of her adopting would be worth the risk that my ex may try to become involved with the boys again.

Another thing that I should have mentioned is that in Ohio at least a woman can never COMPLETELY sign away her kids, the courts will not allow it. Basically what she filed was an agreement that she would not have any rights to make decisions in their lives and would have no legal visitation.

I have seen how the court system works in cases of custody and it is not pretty. There is no doubt in my mind that if she were to push the issue the courts would side with her. She has done a lot of screwed up things, especially things I have found out recently that literally make me sick.
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Old 11-29-2012, 03:07 PM
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Default Re: Some advice?

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11, 13, 14 and 17
Given there age I wouldn't worry so much. t this point they are well aware of her ****e and since you have full custody there really isn't much she can do.
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Old 11-29-2012, 03:09 PM
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Given there age I wouldn't worry so much. t this point they are well aware of her ****e and since you have full custody there really isn't much she can do.
The only one I have real concern about is the 11 yr old. He just turned 11 on thanksgiving and was young enough that he doesn't remember what she looks like. He has seen pictures and not recognized her.
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Old 11-29-2012, 03:16 PM
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Default Re: Some advice?

Better to go ahead with the adoption and cut the ex out now. If something were to happen to you she may try to swoop in and take back the boys just to get control of the Social Security benefits they (and she) would receive because of your death.

If she does decide she wants to get back in their lives even the youngest one is old enough to understand what happened. I doubt she would be able to have any great influence on them the way she might be able to if they were still tiny children.

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Old 11-29-2012, 03:22 PM
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Default Re: Some advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by duke0476 View Post
The only one I have real concern about is the 11 yr old. He just turned 11 on thanksgiving and was young enough that he doesn't remember what she looks like. He has seen pictures and not recognized her.
Sounds like you need to have a bit of a conversation with your children...Ask them how they feel about the adoption...include them in the "adult" conversation and make a decision based on that.

I still say you should move forward though.
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I'm literally speechless. I've typed so many things I want to say here, but all of them violate the CoC. and I'm a bengals fan. Any biased for sharing a fanbase is out the window with you. Please, do us a favor and become a colts fan.
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Old 11-29-2012, 03:57 PM
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Sounds like you need to have a bit of a conversation with your children...Ask them how they feel about the adoption...include them in the "adult" conversation and make a decision based on that.

I still say you should move forward though.
After some of this advice I agree. I hasn't really thought of what she could potentially do if something happened to me. (thanks Fred)

As far as the discussion goes, I know the kids are on board fully with it. My youngest has always considered my current wife as his mom because of his age when her and I got together. They all also know about their birth mother and I have always encouraged them to ask questions or bring it up and we would discuss anything freely.

Only my oldest has asked and he knows more details than the rest because I know there was some things he was struggling with understanding and there were certain things that I wanted him to know now that he is old enough.
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Old 11-29-2012, 04:34 PM
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Default Re: Some advice?

First of all, I want to commend you for being, what it sounds like to me, a great dad. A man can be a father, but that doesn't make them a 'dad'. About the situation you're in, you can look at it two ways. You can trust that your wife wants to adopt your sons no matter what the cost is and that too much time has passed for your ex-wife to begin a relationship again with your boys, or you can trust that neither blood nor signed adoption papers make a family. She sounds like she is their mother, regardless of whether she legally adopts them or not. Go with your heart. Good luck.
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Old 11-29-2012, 04:48 PM
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Default Re: Some advice?

Just a question since I have no legal knowledge of this stuff.

If she already signed away the right to make legal decisions for them and Ohio won't let her fully sign away her rights as their mother...why are they making you jump through more hoops?

Like the others I commend you for what you have done and are doing...just curious what your lawyer says about it.
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Old 11-29-2012, 06:36 PM
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Just a question since I have no legal knowledge of this stuff.

If she already signed away the right to make legal decisions for them and Ohio won't let her fully sign away her rights as their mother...why are they making you jump through more hoops?

Like the others I commend you for what you have done and are doing...just curious what your lawyer says about it.
He said that because she cannot legally sign away her rights as a mother I have to make an effort to get her permission for the adoption. Now that does not mean that she has to even know about it, it only means that I have to jump throughcertain hoops to attempt to give her that option. It has been about a year since I have to talked to my lawyer but if I remember correctly I have to send a cert letter to her let known address and run an add in 3 local papers in the area of her lka for 1 month than wait 3 months and if she doesn't contract me it's done.
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Old 11-29-2012, 06:40 PM
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Do like they said...send a certified letter to her last known address, not the new one you found out about. Say you got no reply, and move forward with the adoption.
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Old 11-29-2012, 07:06 PM
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He said that because she cannot legally sign away her rights as a mother I have to make an effort to get her permission for the adoption. Now that does not mean that she has to even know about it, it only means that I have to jump throughcertain hoops to attempt to give her that option. It has been about a year since I have to talked to my lawyer but if I remember correctly I have to send a cert letter to her let known address and run an add in 3 local papers in the area of her lka for 1 month than wait 3 months and if she doesn't contract me it's done.
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Do like they said...send a certified letter to her last known address, not the new one you found out about. Say you got no reply, and move forward with the adoption.
Ok...sounds like typical legalize! LOL! I agree with Beaker. You can play within the rules and still play it right. <---This is NOT a legal opinion or advise!
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Old 11-29-2012, 07:15 PM
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Ok...sounds like typical legalize! LOL! I agree with Beaker. You can play within the rules and still play it right. <---This is NOT a legal opinion or advise!
Lol, I understand. There was no way in hell I would send anything to her real address.
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Old 11-29-2012, 07:17 PM
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Default Re: Some advice?

Fred is the resident lawyer here, although its ackbasswards Tennessee country bumpkin lawyering, lol.

I would take his advice and instead of 1 conversation, have 2. 1 with your wife present and another in a couple of days without your wife. Don't make then feel pressured into anything and let them know that you and your wife will respect your wishes. Make sure your wife tells them that no matter what they decide that she still loves them. Let them know why you and your wife want her to become their "Lagal Mom" and don't hold nothing back but don't scare them.

Good luck, I hope everything works out for you and your wife.

EDIT: Oh, and have your lawyer send the letter from his office, not from your home.
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Old 11-29-2012, 07:21 PM
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Default Re: Some advice?

Quote:
Originally Posted by duke0476 View Post
Ok, I am going to make this as short as possible.

I was married before and had 4 boys with her.

We got divorced and she got custody of the kids.

After about 1 year I gained custody of them.

About 1 year after me having full custody she signed over all rights and has not spoken to them or myself since 2007.

Now to the present day.

My current wife would like to legally adopt the boys (we have a 2 yr old daughter together) but in order to do so we have to make an "effort" to contact my ex-wife and get her to sign off on it. The effort consists of sending certified letter to her last known address, running an ad in local papers etc. Since 2008 I have not known her whereabouts at all so have never really thought about taking steps to do this.

Recently I have found out where she lives and it now gives me even more pause to move forward with allowing my current wife to adopt. I am scared that my ex would have a change of heart and want to see the boys again, there is no way in a million years I would allow that to happen.

So the question is, should I take the chance on taking the steps of letting my current wife adopt them at the risk of being back in contact with my ex?

Doesn't it mean your ex has no say ever since?
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Old 11-29-2012, 07:25 PM
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Doesn't it mean your ex has no say ever since?
It may be because I'm really tired but I don't know what you are asking lol
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Old 11-29-2012, 07:28 PM
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It may be because I'm really tired but I don't know what you are asking lol
I mean she signed over ALL rights, that means they are yours 100%, right? So what could possibly stop you from your current wife legally adopting the boys?
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Old 11-29-2012, 07:29 PM
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I mean she signed over ALL rights, that means they are yours 100%, right? So what could possibly stop you from your current wife legally adopting the boys?
A mother can never sign away her rights completely.

Trust me, it seems goofy to me also. You can also prove abandonment but that is a whole other legal course.
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Old 11-29-2012, 07:45 PM
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That's tough duke. I think I would ride it out as you are the next seven years until they are all over 18 UNLESS it is for financial reasons that would benefit you in doing so. Chances are you won't hear from her and even if you do, you won't let her see them anyways. If the ex approaches you, then I would mention signing off on the papers.

You're current wife sounds like a sweetheart and is wanting to do what is right. If I was you I would avoid contact and let your boys show their appreciation to their acting mom and her the same to them.
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Its not like flattened her with a closed fist. She was rudely bothering him for an autograph.She drilled him right in the eye with a full glass of beer as a natural reaction he got angry and smacked her hard. It could have and probably has happened to quite a few people
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Old 11-29-2012, 07:48 PM
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A mother can never sign away her rights completely.

Trust me, it seems goofy to me also. You can also prove abandonment but that is a whole other legal course.
That's the truth. 100% right pretty much means you can't get caught in the child support racket and they are under your insurance.

What works in your favor is she would need to dedicate a lot of time and money to get them back, and it sound like she isn't the kind of person that has that kind of heart in her.
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A weeping woman (guilty or innocent) will be comforted.
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Its not like flattened her with a closed fist. She was rudely bothering him for an autograph.She drilled him right in the eye with a full glass of beer as a natural reaction he got angry and smacked her hard. It could have and probably has happened to quite a few people
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