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[Beaker]

Originally Posted by RhythmicGeek

So I will actually put something down here, because I have been struggling with something a lot today.

I posted a thread that talked about a Scout leader here who has been arrested for and accused of sexual abuse of a minor. It has been on my mind all day because I've known this man for a decade. I know his son, who is now a sophomore at CNU and will be having to deal with all this while taking his finals and what not. I think about the victim, whoever he is, and whether or not it is someone I know and how they have been dealing with all of this. I have been thinking about other potential victims, and hoping they do not exist.

My biggest thing has been this, though, did I miss something? The incident he has been charged for happened in 2005. That was the year of the National Scout Jamboree. I was one of his three Assistant Scoutmasters for that event. Much of that year was spent preparing for Jambo, doing group activities with the Scouts, etc. So I just keep thinking back and wondering if I had missed something, if there was something I could have done, if there was anything that should have tipped me off. Then I feel horrible because not only could I have done something (if I had noticed something afoot), but now I'm sitting here putting the guilty verdict on someone I have counted as a friend for 10 years without knowing all the facts.

[RhythmicGeek]

Originally Posted by fredtoast

Don't go down that rabbit hole. My nephews step father killed himself and my nephew struggled for a long time because he felt he should have seen some signs or done something to stop it.

I'll tell you the same thing I told my nephew. The fact that you are worrying about it so much right now shows how much you care. And people who really care don't miss obvious signs of trouble. The type of people who do miss obvious signs usually don't care enough to get so upset afterward about missing them in the first place.

It's not going to be something to drag me down too much, just something that I've been thinking a lot about. I'm glad for the laws right now that the victims can't have their names released. This would be tougher if it was someone I knew.

Originally Posted by BengalsFan024

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I wouldnt stop believing in your friend until there is some undeniable facts that proves hes a child molestor or whatever hes being charged with. The fact you knew him so well and couldnt imagine this to be true might be a reason to consider making a testimony.

Actually, it is possible that I could be called in for this. I don't know who the victim is, but if it was a Scout in our Jamboree troop, as another adult leader who was there, it is likely I will at least be having an interview with someone. But, as I've said, I am not on the side of "I can't believe he did this." It's one of the things that makes me think about this the most, is that I was not surprised.

Originally Posted by fredtoast

Actually this type of thing happens all the time and people don't come forward until they realize they are not the only one.

Child molesters rarely use force to get what they want. Instead they convince the kids that it isn't really that bad or somehow manipulate the victim into going along with it. Then once the kid is involved the molester says "You can't tell on me because I didn't force you to do it. You are just as guilty as me."

When McQueary saw Sandusky and that kid in the Penn State shower the victim didn't think he was being saved from a rape. He thought he was getting busted having sex in the shower. That is why victims are often ashamed to come forward.

They set up a dedicated hotline for people to call in, because they think there are more cases. They have had several call in and are currently investigating.

[bengalsfan2008]

wow, this thread changed direction pretty fast.

[NDfanatic]

My daughter is going to court tomorrow for more divorce proceedings. My soon to be ex-son-in-law is making things difficult for her, and my young grandson is stuck in the middle. He is openly dating the woman he had an affair with now, and he's had my grandson, C.J., around her without my daughter's permission. It's just a mess right now, and once again, I have tied hands.

[ajustyle]

Originally Posted by NDfanatic

My daughter is going to court tomorrow for more divorce proceedings. My soon to be ex-son-in-law is making things difficult for her, and my young grandson is stuck in the middle. He is openly dating the woman he had an affair with now, and he's had my grandson, C.J., around her without my daughter's permission. It's just a mess right now, and once again, I have tied hands.

It's always a tough one when there is a child caught between families. There's going to be a lot of personal resentment involved because it's a situation that deviates from that 'storybook' tale we all hoped for when they got married and started a family. Is your son-in-laws relationship with his new gf the only issue you have with him? If so, is there anything specific about his gf, other than her not being your daughter, that would be bad for your grandson to be around? In these situations we have to accept the fact that your grandson is not only going to be exposed to your son-in-laws new relations, but also to your daughter's (when she is ready for that). Obviously there's serious reasons why we wouldn't want a child around certain people, but the father is still a father and if he deems an individual safe for his child to be near then we can't do anything about it. As a male I wouldn't want that right stripped from me without some serious justification. At the same time it causes paranoia on your side of the family because there's helplessness in knowing you didn't get to 'pick' a person who could end up as an important part of your grandson's life.

Also there's some good material to review here.

[NDfanatic]

Originally Posted by ajustyle

It's always a tough one when there is a child caught between families. There's going to be a lot of personal resentment involved because it's a situation that deviates from that 'storybook' tale we all hoped for when they got married and started a family. Is your son-in-laws relationship with his new gf the only issue you have with him? If so, is there anything specific about his gf, other than her not being your daughter, that would be bad for your grandson to be around? In these situations we have to accept the fact that your grandson is not only going to be exposed to your son-in-laws new relations, but also to your daughter's (when she is ready for that). Obviously there's serious reasons why we wouldn't want a child around certain people, but the father is still a father and if he deems an individual safe for his child to be near then we can't do anything about it. As a male I wouldn't want that right stripped from me without some serious justification. At the same time it causes paranoia on your side of the family because there's helplessness in knowing you didn't get to 'pick' a person who could end up as an important part of your grandson's life.

Also there's some good material to review here.

I appreciate all that you just said there, that's nice of you. I just can't fix what happened, and I can't change what's going to happen, and my disappointment at my grandson's father stems from him having an affair on my daughter while she was pregnant, carrying it on for two years, then finally getting caught enough to where he had to admit his wrongdoing. The woman he's now with is the same one he was having an affair with, and perhaps the thought of that makes me uncomfortable as well. My wife thinks I get too involved in our kids' lives, and perhaps I do in some situations. My wife is usually the one that the kids tell their problems to because I've been told I meddle.

[duke0476]

Originally Posted by RhythmicGeek

So I will actually put something down here, because I have been struggling with something a lot today.

I posted a thread that talked about a Scout leader here who has been arrested for and accused of sexual abuse of a minor. It has been on my mind all day because I've known this man for a decade. I know his son, who is now a sophomore at CNU and will be having to deal with all this while taking his finals and what not. I think about the victim, whoever he is, and whether or not it is someone I know and how they have been dealing with all of this. I have been thinking about other potential victims, and hoping they do not exist.

My biggest thing has been this, though, did I miss something? The incident he has been charged for happened in 2005. That was the year of the National Scout Jamboree. I was one of his three Assistant Scoutmasters for that event. Much of that year was spent preparing for Jambo, doing group activities with the Scouts, etc. So I just keep thinking back and wondering if I had missed something, if there was something I could have done, if there was anything that should have tipped me off. Then I feel horrible because not only could I have done something (if I had noticed something afoot), but now I'm sitting here putting the guilty verdict on someone I have counted as a friend for 10 years without knowing all the facts.

You cannot go with the mindset that there was soomething you could hve done. If there had been something "off" I am sure it would have clicked by now in light of the allegations.

Chances are you feel somewhat responsible because you were involved in the organization and you were close to the individual in question and that is completely understandable. The thing you have to remember is that if this guy is guilty he would have gone to great lengths to hide what he was doing especially from those closest to him.

I know none of that is going to change how you feel. I am sure that you are feeling that if you didn't notice anything going on you think you "should" have. Those can be all consuming thoughts at times and this is that can be a slippery slope if you obsess about it.

My only advice to you is to make sure you have someone to talk to. Whether it is just to vent or to talk things through you need to have an outet. Hope everything works out for you.

[duke0476]

Originally Posted by NDfanatic

My daughter is going to court tomorrow for more divorce proceedings. My soon to be ex-son-in-law is making things difficult for her, and my young grandson is stuck in the middle. He is openly dating the woman he had an affair with now, and he's had my grandson, C.J., around her without my daughter's permission. It's just a mess right now, and once again, I have tied hands.

Originally Posted by NDfanatic

I appreciate all that you just said there, that's nice of you. I just can't fix what happened, and I can't change what's going to happen, and my disappointment at my grandson's father stems from him having an affair on my daughter while she was pregnant, carrying it on for two years, then finally getting caught enough to where he had to admit his wrongdoing. The woman he's now with is the same one he was having an affair with, and perhaps the thought of that makes me uncomfortable as well. My wife thinks I get too involved in our kids' lives, and perhaps I do in some situations. My wife is usually the one that the kids tell their problems to because I've been told I meddle.

This is the toughest stage of a divorce for sure. Generally regardless of the situation this stage can be the toughest on kids because things have not been decided and final yet, everything is sort of up in the air and there may be little structure in his mind at the moment.

The best thing you can do is stay out of it. I know you don't like this guy and I can't blame you a bit but you getting involved in the wrong places will only make things worse.

Be there for your daughter on an emotional level, offer your support, let her know you are there for her. I am sure she has feelings of hurt, embarassment and shame right now. You bad mouthing him or bringing up the divorce will only make these feelings surface, just let her know you are there when she needs you.

Be there for your grandson. At this point the less that changes in his life the better. Do what you can to offer structure and security but don't go overboard with it. Treat him and your relationship the same as before you knew any of this was going on. He needs someplace he can go to feel like everything is "right".